Friday, September 30, 2005
sometimes just have to
to remember that centuries ago
souls were pondering the purpose
I feel less alone when I know
that others too think
The Sufi is he
whose thought keeps pace
with his foot.
He is entirely present:
his soul is where his body is,
and his body is where his soul is,
and his soul is where his foot is,
and his foot is where his soul is.
This is the sign
of presence without absence.
Al-Hujwiri, 11th century
and then an ad on TV for the sucksion
and the guy galluping accross the street in another ad
well... long day, when i got home, i ate food at the desk and started making mods to the code getting ready to work most of saturday at the office. we have a screen size for 'itty bitty monitors' that we have been working on and the intent is to do a remote beta site install.
i spent tonight aligning menus and buttons to reflect one name for a method... over time different names had been used for the same things... and not cleaned up. all was going well until i had to address this custom menu...where was it getting called from? what was controling it? ... could not find online any hints on how to ad or customize the menus... then... something (after hours of methodically trying one idea, looking at the next.. etc) i realized... the macros, look at the macro names....
found it, fixed it.
now... hoodi and the blowfish just sang on david letterman.... the cats are draped on me and i just read some sufi poetry...
well.... maybe a shot of vodka and take the dog out for a stare at the stars then off to bed.
i have to be up and out and at em in the am
i should be heading out to a contra dance sat night, that will be cool... it has been too long since i last danced and if you have never experienced a contra dance, they are so wonderful. Phaelan loves them, nothing but good vibes at a dance where the idea is everyone just shows up and gets out and dances.
so.... like ... ooof, point me to the pillows.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
mulling over the word ULTERIOR in the use of 'Utlerior Motive' around mulling over my drama soap opera life Odyssey I took a moment to down a dark beer and a cigar while staring at the dark sky of a wet colorado night. I had written a short two page screed. Can a screed be short?
Re reading my words and pondering the flow of the paragraphs, is it going to be even worth it to deliver the position paper or is it just a diatribe that should go into my journal and never be read by any other person?
Sucking on the cigar and scratching my chin in the backyard and wondering what do i need to do to let go of all of this thinking space? I need to come up wtih a way to let go of this crap and move on. Do I need to verablize it? Do I need to do a cerimony of some kind?
My... my mind is melting right now... I just read prior to doing this quick entry a chunk of code for work, earlier tonight a buddy stopped in and convinvced PDM and I to jump up to Carter Lake where he has a 27 foot sloop. it was her first time on a boat like that, and her knuckles were white. she really did not want us to set sail. a small squall burst went thru and we hung out inside the boat eating sandwhiches, then once the rainbow showed it'self, we motored out a bit, then drifted back to the docks....
any way... i do not think anything i say to the drama queen in question in anyway that will have any effect of positive nature.
Monday, September 26, 2005
At work I have been working on prepping a project for encapsulation. In my personal life I am having to learn how to encapsulate my emotions and initial feelings so that I can keep working, so that I do not react in a emotive place in a negative reactionary way... I need to focus on my strength to step back and take a breath and make choices.
Making choices is not easy. Being reactionary is the easy way out. I was pretty pissed. More so then other things in this drama that have pissed me off that I have shrugged off as ... your feelings have no effect on anyone but you Justin so chill out and practice unconditional love and let go. I was so set to fire off a big diatribe while running late trying to get to the kennel to get Ruby and sliding the motorcycle through traffic on the fringe of legal passing maneuvers. As I vented I kept asking myself, what will this prove? Struggling hard to not be reactionary, I went through a whole set of versions of 'how am I going to deal with this drama' 'what is my part of this drama?' 'do I want to participate in this cycle?' 'how is this drama like my old drama's?' 'what different choices can I make today?' 'what have I learned?'
So... I was able to keep working.... although I have resorted some to nicotine... and today, I took in the smoke and held that vile stuff. I still am not sure if it is really the nicotine or is it the excuse to step outside and 'breath deeply?' .. .or both? When I got home and raced off to get the car to get the Ruby Jane from the kennel before they closed... and then decided frig this, and went running with das pup and ran into a nieghbor who I have seen of late like a lot...
Do any of you lurking readers remember the Celestine Prophesy? ... it was/is like that. So there was 'J' and with two of the four dogs I have seen her with and we were litterally running the same way. So I introduced myself... it looks like I will have a good friend inthe nieghborhood. Her fiance and her are both programmers and techi's and dog lovers. Anyway, must be some reason that I kept seeing 'j' and ran into her and introduced myself.
And, got a little feedback from her about my drama, and, got really good feedback from some dear dear friends I have not been able to reach in a while.
So what a day.
The big thing around my drama that I choose to not participate in anymore, is how do I support Phaelan in this process? How do I explain to her in ways that are appropriate about what boundries I am going to put out there in my own personal life? what lessons can be found to help her understand and learn in ways that will help her be the strongest bravest centered little girl that she can be?
What are appropriate boundries any way? when does a boundry become abusive? When is a boundry a mask for control issues? when is a boundry really self care? what if what other people put out there as bounries seem ascue? How do I support them and take care of myself too? what is the right thing to do when trying to be considerate of others 'way of thinking' or others ability to understand? I have had to ask these very same questions around my interactions with my ex of late and other people as well. How do I set boundries with them in ways that keep the harmony in my life and theirs? What considerations can I make? What am I willing to walk away from and let go of in the name of harmony and living with integrity? How do I set boundries around and for my kid in ways that supports her child self and ability to understand?
What boundries do I need to put out there and when is the appropriate time to verbalize them? Maybe just verbalize them to myself and live with integrity with my choices?
Maybe this is what all my drama has been about of late, my lessons to learn out of this turn of events? 'you do not need to attach yourself to people with these kind of issues that result in me you walking on glass around them'
I have found some really good affirmations in my past couple of months of life. Some real hard tears have fallen some real dark times some real sincere emotive ups and downs.
One thing I keep focusing on is that to appreciate the dawn, I must be ok with going through the night, going through the dark. Not fear life, embrace it. I find as I embrace affirmations and let go of things out of my control (aka everything other then how I interact with life) ... I find more good things are happening in my life.
Like making a new friend today and reconnecting with some old dear friends I have not kept up with.
... so... time to go climb at the gym, time to get more and interact more with people... keep looking for the Celestine moments.
what are some of YOUR experiences that have been hard to let go of? but when you finally did, good things begain to happen?
Share.... leave a comment or three! :-)
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Phaelan had a cheer contest today... it went overtime, it started late, went late and we had a big lunch, after 13:30 which for US is late... especially since we started our day early.
After getting home, PDM put in a movie, I wrapped a motorcycle frame that I need to ship soon... (it looked funny the way I wrapped it) and went back in the house, crashed on the couch next to the kid and got catted, Sally on my belly button chakra, and then Ruby whinning at the door tooke PDM's attention that the nieghbor with dogs who play with Ruby and I thought was my Anam Cara to find that Life is full of suprises and illusions and then Sassy catted me and was purring soo loud in my ear that I almost did not hear the phone. The third call was a buddy of mine who needed to be rescued from his cunundrum of locking his keys in his truck.. so I got off the couch, found my kid accross the alley hanging out with the nieghbor, headed up to help my pal.
And then what, I had dog and kid in car, so we went to dog park, played for 30 plus minutes then when we got home, the nieghbors dogs where hanging of the back stairs barking 'get us out of this gate so we can PLAY'
PDM got permission from LL and then with 4 dogs a kid and a dad, we threw balls and had 'who can hang off the clothes line poles longer' contests, chased Ruby (her favorite game) did yoga, I helped PDM with her handstands, taught her how to do handstands, we played and played and played for two hours inthe back yard.
It was really fun. We were just lighthearted goofy bouncy and dog like. living in the moment of 'did i hear a toy bounce?'
to play, what a concept.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Involved in that start up and where did my time go?
Involved in the start up which is good, lot to do, being busy is the best way through grief.
Grieving the loss of a dream. What dream? Well... it really is a point of view I suppose. If you look at my last May through July time I had an experience that was sky rocketing uplifting and then bone crushing slammed into the hubris of painful life experience. I thought I found somthing that it is now evident I did not. I thought I found a life partner. The point of view is, that with hope, we will continue healing a deep friendship and that is good. The point of view is that when my heart was torn away and ground into pulp and spread like Haggus on burnt toast, I now know I have the emotional skills tools and ability of self care to survive. When I was in my early twenties I had a similar rug pulled out from under my perception of Love Relationship and it took me years to heal from the Betsy Chronicals. This time around while I still have moments of tears, I have strength and courage to understand in hindsight what happened and what is happening and to realize somthing else.
What is it that I seek? This months Yoga Journal has good information this stuff. Page 63 in the September/October issue is an article about 'Gotta Have It?' ... how to manage desire, whether for ice cream or a mate or true happiness. The other article is on page 115, 'The Awakening' how a personal crisis can be a gift on the path to spiritual maturity.
I choose this. What are the affirmations here? What can I learn?
One thing I have learned is that during the Bliss of May to July, I opened up to a True Love Unconditional Love Acceptance of another Soul. So now as things have unfolded I have found I easily accept her for who she is now, today, and hold no hard feelings for her choices. I Love her unconditionaly and that step once taken becomes a what is. It just is.
This means for me that I am ready to Love unconditionally because in this test, while I would have wanted other realities to unfold, here I am and I only can control my reaction to life and my choices to situations and I feel I have with integrity faced Love, Loss, Grief with sincerity of my full self.
Mooving forward. When I let go of FINDING a life partner, which I so want to find, when I become a true life partner to MY SELF and just live.... I will be open to when I glance into some other Souls eyes and we look at each other and time stops and we connect and we do so with integrity of communication with courage of facing fears and compassion of supporting and integrity to the individual self of each to be able to support the joined being of a family unit of partnership.
So, being way freakin busy with a start up, waking up at 4 am thinking of programming solutions in stead of waking up every three hours in greif and saddness of loss of a dream, I am ready.
Ready to keep living as true to my Soul Self as can be today.
Damn, I have some good book material too! My diaries and journals have been busting full of words this year.