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Sunday, October 30, 2005


fear do you run from it, or face it?

.: I wrote a note in reply to a SALON article :.

good opening good conclusion but the fluffenutter middle was predictably iconoclastic
(link to my note to Heather, below link to the story it's self..)
Heather I was looking for something along the lines of what you started to write about to augment my blog entry I am compiling about fear as a control mechanism for the weak and a motivator for change for the strong.

I liked your opening paragraph and your list of 8 items, especially being a father of a daughter, number 8 gave me pause...

But then you went on about anal sex barbi dolls and sea monsters seemingly to get a bunch of key words in for searching google-ites to find something about porn and perhaps be inspired to read the rest of your points you attempt to make about fear.

Perhaps you are trying too hard to create something the editors will publish rather then being a good SALON contributor and writing something about something. There is so much more depth in today's world about what fear is doing has done and will likely continue to do to that fabric of our societal veil that covers our collective eyes. Our world reality today is our own creation, to change this dream (nightmare) we are in together, we need to become the strong motivated by fear to change our collective dream. If we set our alarm to 4 am and write about these ideas, perhaps those of us with keyboards can inspire those searching for a way or path to help change one dream at a time.

Good opening statement... but try again eh? There is so much more to say on this topic then the fluffenutter you scribed.

Justin in the rocky mountains
-- justin Permalink2005-10-30 08:26:06-08

.:: A couple days ago the idea of 'living in fear' what does it mean? ::.
I was just the other day finishing up a Wendy's mushroom cheese burger, nothing like a swiss cheese and mushroom from Remo's with a pint of Guiness... But, fast food you know? ... So I was sitting there dabbing food off of my mouth when the words from the table a couple over caught my attention. The word was 'cult'

'... When they start following devil worshipers in those cults the reverend says they never are the same and that is why they shouldn't even listen to anything about cult's you know?'

These two ladies, maybe late 50's, both clean pressed and plain, both looking almost like round versions of the church lady from Saturday night live, were supporting each others idea that 'do not inquire into the outside world for the unknown may change you and you will never be a god fearing christian again... ' was what I was hearing in the words. What I was thinking was my GOD, how is anyone supposed to recongnize the next 'coming' if every 'god fearing chrisitan' has their head's in the sand... On faith trusting the priests and reverends to let them know... When so many priests and reverends seem to end up in scandles that speak to the moral character of anyone who is human and therefore... All these people for fear of not being strong enough to face the world, in one way of saying it, to trust God, are turning away from the world so as not to be tainted by it...

Excuse me? The bliss of the blindfolded.

It is one thing to live through a hellish situation and take an affirming view of it. And thereby learning from mistakes and making better choices in the future, aka live each day in bliss thankful for the moments that you are alive and growing. It is another to live in bliss because you sit bobbing in the middle of the street of life singing hymns having faith that you won't get run over by any frieght trains, elephants, or cultist's on skate boards... ...::Or blessed be, a motorcycle gang::..

I choose to face the world, to struggle through my faith, my emotional ups and downs, my interactions with friends that are inspirational in wonderful ways and my interactions with those in my life who bring constant sorrow....

Oooh ooh, song lyrics... Um what were they? ...

The soggy bottom boys...
Man of constant sorrow

I am a man of constant sorrow
I've seen trouble all my days
I bid farewell to old Kentucky
The state where I was borned and raised

For six long years I've been in trouble
No pleasure here on earth I find
For in this world I'm bound to ramble
I have no friends to help me now

It's fare thee well my own true lover
I never expect to see you again
For I'm bound to ride that northern railroad
Perhaps I'll die upon this train

You can bury me in some deep valley
For many years where I may lay
Then you may learn to love another
While I am sleeping in my grave

It's fare you well to a native country
The places I have loved so well
For I have seen all kinds of trouble
In this cruel world, no tongue can tell

Maybe your friends think I'm just a stranger
My face you'll never see no more
But there is one promise that is given
I'll meet you on God's golden shore
Then there is this song that was just on NPR (91.5) Fort Collins Colorado...
Artist/Band: Creek Nickel
Lyrics for Song: When in Rome
Lyrics for Album: Why Should the Fire Die?

Where can a sick man go
When he can’t choke down the medicine,
The old Doc knows.

A specialist came to town, but he stays at home, saying
No one knows, so I don’t, Honey, when in Rome.
Where can a teacher go?

Wherever she thinks people need the things she knows.
Hey, those books you gave us look good on the shelves at home,
And they’ll burn warm in the fireplace, Teacher, when in Rome.

Grab a blanket, sister, we’ll make smoke signals.
Bring in some new blood
It feels like we’re alone.

Grab a blanket, brother, so we don’t catch cold.
Oh, I wonder if we’re stuck in Rome.
Where can a dead man go?

A question with an answer only dead men know.
But I’m gonna bet they never really feel at home,
If they spend a lifetime learning how to live in Rome.



.: so... in closing, fear not but fear it's self... :.

Monday, October 24, 2005

.:What good is a motorcycle club for anyway?:.
This following is an snip from a chat board diatribe.... good one, so I asked if I could post it here... and yup... here it is

Dear Hal:

I honestly doubt if most folks in your country would
recognize what a really "Liberal Left" politician or
policy even looks like.

If you had ever had a liberal-left set of policies,
you would not have to worry about having to find, and
pay for, basic medical insurance for yourself, or have
about 25% of the population of your country, the
wealthiest in the world, with no health care. The
rest of the world, which may not matter in your books,
sees this as a complete disgrace. What on earth have
you all been working for? What does it mean to the
non-liberal-left to be civilized and cultured?

If you had a liberal-left set of policies or
politicians you would not now be mired in Iraq, with
the 2000th. child of greiving parents being sent home,
to somewhere in the USA, in a box.

If you had ever had a liberal left set of policies,
the NRA would have been laughed out of existance a
long, long time ago. Thousands of people, nay, tens
of thousands, would not have been killed with the
proliferation of guns to be found in the land of the
free. Gun manufacturers, such as would be
suffered to exist, would be responsible for the safe
use of their products. (Just like pharmaceuticals.)

If you had a liberal-left set of policies, the
government you presently enjoy would honour
international treaties signed by previous
administrations. This is presently not the case.

If you had a liberal-left set of policies, Hal, you
might find that your society is very different from
what it is presently. Some of the differences might
be great, some small, some grating, others uplifting.
Threre is no true cure-all, of course, but there are
sincere choices to be made about being a part of an
ever-increasingly-interdependent world.

Countries' National Anthems are instructive.

Canada's is bi-lingual, but ways different things in
each language. The English part is about carving a
home from an untamed wilderness, whilst the French
version extols a nation which cherishes each citizen
as valuable, and offers protection from external

Your fair country's anthem ends with "The land of the
free and home of the brave". Is it free from ??? or
free to ??? And the bravery?

You might find this article, from today's NY Times by
Thos. L. Friedman, interesting. It is a fake news
story, based on present facts.

martin in toronto


Do As I Say, Not As I Do


Published: October 19, 2005

WASHINGTON, Oct. 18 (Iraq News Agency) - A delegation
of Iraqi judges and journalists abruptly left the U.S.
today, cutting short its visit to study the workings
of American democracy. A delegation spokesman said the
Iraqis were "bewildered" by some of the behavior of
the Bush administration and felt it was best to limit
their exposure to the U.S. system at this time, when
Iraq is taking its first baby steps toward democracy.

The lead Iraqi delegate, Muhammad Mithaqi, a noted
secular Sunni judge who had recently survived an
assassination attempt by Islamist radicals, said that
he was stunned when he heard President Bush telling
Republicans that one reason they should support
Harriet Miers for the U.S. Supreme Court was because
of "her religion." She is described as a devout
evangelical Christian.

Mithaqi said that after two years of being lectured to
by U.S. diplomats in Baghdad about the need to
separate "mosque from state" in the new Iraq, he was
also floored to read that the former Whitewater
prosecutor Kenneth Starr, now a law school dean, said
on the radio show of the conservative James Dobson
that Miers deserved support because she was "a very,
very strong Christian [who] should be a source of
great comfort and assistance to people in the
households of faith around the country."

"Now let me get this straight," Judge Mithaqi said.
"You are lecturing us about keeping religion out of
politics, and then your own president and conservative
legal scholars go and tell your public to endorse
Miers as a Supreme Court justice because she is an
evangelical Christian.

"How would you feel if you picked up your newspapers
next week and read that the president of Iraq
justified the appointment of an Iraqi Supreme Court
justice by telling Iraqis: 'Don't pay attention to his
lack of legal expertise. Pay attention to the fact
that he is a Muslim fundamentalist and prays at a
Saudi-funded Wahhabi mosque.' Is that the Iraq you
sent your sons to build and to die for? I don't think
so. We can't have our people exposed to such talk."

A fellow delegation member, Abdul Wahab al-Unfi, a
Shiite lawyer who walks with a limp today as a result
of torture in a Saddam prison, said he did not want to
spend another day in Washington after listening to the
Bush team defend its right to use torture in Iraq and
Afghanistan. Unfi said he was heartened by the fact
that the Senate voted 90 to 9 to ban U.S. torture of
military prisoners. But he said he was depressed by
reports that the White House might veto the bill
because of that amendment, which would ban "cruel,
inhuman or degrading" treatment of P.O.W.'s.

"I survived eight years of torture under Saddam," Unfi
said. "Virtually every extended family in Iraq has
someone who was tortured or killed in a Baathist
prison. Yet, already, more than 100 prisoners of war
have died in U.S. custody. How is that possible from
the greatest democracy in the world? There must be no
place for torture in the future Iraq. We are going
home now because I don't want our delegation corrupted
by all this American right-to-torture talk."

Finally, the delegation member Sahaf al-Sahafi, editor
of one of Iraq's new newspapers, said he wanted to go
home after watching a televised videoconference last
Thursday between soldiers in Iraq and President Bush.
The soldiers, 10 Americans and an Iraqi, were coached
by a Pentagon aide on how to respond to Mr. Bush.

"I had nightmares watching this," Sahafi said. "It was
right from the Saddam playbook. I was particularly
upset to hear the Iraqi sergeant major, Akeel Shakir
Nasser, tell Mr. Bush: 'Thank you very much for
everything. I like you.' It was exactly the kind of
staged encounter that Saddam used to have with his

Sahafi said he was also floored to see the U.S.
Government Accountability Office, a nonpartisan agency
that works for Congress, declare that a Bush
administration contract that paid Armstrong Williams,
a supposedly independent commentator, to promote Mr.
Bush's No Child Left Behind policy constituted illegal
propaganda - an attempt by the government to buy good

"Saddam bought and paid journalists all over the Arab
world," Sahafi said. "It makes me sick to see even a
drop of that in America."

By coincidence, the Iraqi delegates departed
Washington just as the Bush aide Karen Hughes returned
from the Middle East. Her trip was aimed at improving
America's image among Muslims by giving them a more
accurate view of America and President Bush. She said,
"The more they know about us, the more they will like

(Yes, all of this is a fake news story. I just wish
that it weren't so true.)

martin in toronto


might want to use it as I have fixed up the typos for you. Changed nothing

Regards, and thanx for asking. If anyone wants to discuss with me, please
add my email (

martin aller-stead

"Peace is not the absence of War,
but the absence of Fear,
which is the Presence of Justice"
-- Dr. Ursula Franklin

Thursday, October 20, 2005


Phaelan does Cheer

Phaelan Dee Mead,
does good in cheer
Perhaps cause she is so vivacious
what ever may be
even though cheer is not my thing
her eyes sparkle
and she makes a Dad proud

That is Kate, her coaches kid and PDM's team mate/pal. They won there class against 9 other teams! who hooo!



Oct. 18, 2005 WASHINGTON -- On Sept. 24, 2005, tens of thousands of protesters marched past the White House and flooded the National Mall near 17th Street and Constitution Avenue. They had arrived from all over the country for a day of speeches and concerts to protest the war in Iraq. It may have been the biggest antiwar rally since Vietnam. A light rain fell early in the day and most of the afternoon was cool and overcast.
Unknown to the crowd, biological-weapons sensors, scattered for miles across Washington by the Department of Homeland Security, were quietly doing their work. The machines are designed to detect killer pathogens. Sometime between 10 a.m. on Sept. 24 and 10 a.m. on Sept. 25, six of those machines sucked in trace amounts of deadly bacteria called Francisella tularensis. The government fears it is one of six biological weapons most likely to be used against the United States.
It was an alarming reading. The biological-weapons detection system in Washington had never set off any alarms before. There are more than 150 sensors spread across 30 of the most populated cities in America. But this was the first time that six sensors in any one place had detected a toxin at the same time. The sensors are also located miles from one another, suggesting that the pathogen was airborne and probably not limited to a local environmental source. .....

.... in the event of a big event, classic scenario would be that to notify the public would simply create a panic. So, the initial reactions would be to do nothing except quietly notify the 'elite' or the 'important' players. This is what I get from the story in SALON.
So, you and I? Need to do some home work to be a little ready for some events just for the heck of it. The idea of having a small store of basic supplies is a good one. The idea of having an in case of emergency plan for your circle of people is a good one. The idea of having some knowledge of skills to survive in harsh situations is valid. I would not be extreme about it and get all camo over it but I would postulate that the majority of today's people do not have core skills needed to deal with simple concerns like getting clean water, dealing with injuries in the field, staying warm, how to make hard choices in a critical path scenerio to survival.
A tongue in cheek response? Get some good classic biker friends for protection, a scientist type, a backcountry guide, a medical type, and everyone learn backcountry skills for camping and have your 'camping gear' always ready and stay in shape and keep a few classic works of knowledg in classic book form.

But really, if you are like a good knight in the Kingdom of Heaven, it does not matter what life brings your way. You will handle it with the Grace of a good person and that is all we can ask in this life... to learn how to do that.

I am pretty tired right now.
until i find more inspirational things to say....

I guess other then, choose your friends wisely for some suck the energy from you, take take take and offer little evident return..

Saturday, October 15, 2005


Kingdom of Heaven

The movie, I just bought the other knight. Get it? ... Knight! ha ha

It had been a long week, I won't boar you with the details suffice it to say that I needed to decompress so I picked up some 90 Shilling and a movie. As I watched the movie, then the second disc with the historic information and the like... what I realized I was getting from the movie is this... the title, the request of Pope Urban II to retake the 'Kingdom of Heaven' and the near the end scene when Balian (protagonist hero aka Orlando Bloom) says to the Queen of Jerusalem Sybillia (aka Eva Green) 'Your brothers kingdom is here (pointing to the mind) and here (pointing to the heart) and can never be taken away.'

What I realized is the Kingdom of Heaven is in the HEART not in the PLACE. The shallow and despotic peoples who easily sway from conviction, like the Bishop of Jerusalem who cowards before death and compromises integrity in the name of self preservation, or Guy de Lusignan who is a Knight Templar and at one moment in the film a demonic roar is heard as he is campishly splashed with so much blood like a jug of wine at a kegger while he kills for the sake of killing these are the shallow players on the fields of our Lord. What the TRUE knight reveals is that Heaven is not a place, Heaven is a state of being.

Being true to integrity, character, telling the truth even if it means your certain death. Being a true human being whom at night you feel you can rest easy with your self, that is Heaven. To otherwise, like in my posting from this morning about the modern man syndrom of worshiping the pulpit of soundbites and instant answers and gratification, is to be in a Hell state. To be in a place where torment of poor decisions plays out in the mind, the heart and soul as well as in the physical.

Imagine if you will, you decide to drink too much liqour, then drive, then wreck your car and you killed others on the road becuase of your choice or lack of ability to think beyond the moment and make a real choice, instead you follow your mores, you follow your bliss into Hell. You live the rest of your life with flashes of the families eyes just before you plowed your vehicle into theirs. Etched into your soul is the image that torments you lasting breath in your Hell state. To not be able to take a fraction of a second, or longer if needed and decide what your actions will do to others and yourself, instead of just thinking 'myself' and being rash.

To be compassionate to others, to decide not to break up a dog fight so the two dogs who will be living together can work out, on their terms who is boss and not have to repeat the question later is to be thoughtful. Even though you know one or both dogs will be injured possibly. To step into the fray is to not think of everyone. To make a decision from the selfish place, like Guy in the movie 'well then I will have all the glory' he says as he orders and leads many men to their death based on his vain and poor judgement, is to be in Hell.

As the Christian's state, anyone, at any time can repent and redeem themselves...

I do not decree such behaviour for salvation only, I am not Christian, like the protagonist in the movie I am with out Faith, but I feel I am with strength of conviction of my spiritual fortitude. If YOU want to live in Heaven on Earth, or the Kingdom of Heaven, be thoughtfull in your actions, be true to others and yourself, stand up for those too weak to know how.

See the beauty amid the chaos, the good in every situation, have hope that we are not here to live in torment, we are here to learn from our torment and rise above it into a place of Grace. That is what is meant by 'go with God' I think. The Kingdom of Heaven is our Soul.

Be thoughtful, there is more to the classic Philisophic statement 'Congito Ergo Sum' ... I think there fore I am.... to think is to not be animistic, to be in survival mode, to think is to be in a place where you can decide your best course of action. To react is to be on the razors edge balancing between Heaven and Hell and only the slightest of error could push you to either side unpredicatably so.

Think about it, the world through rose colored glasses.... the state of mind is where happiness is born.


Problematic effect of TV shows like “Sex in the City”

The well known at this point TV series by HBO “Sex in the City” has hit main stream network airwaves and in my review both via the television and then upon post review, on the receiving end of an individuals behavior that I can only surmise as being fostered and made a considered option by that individuals frequent watching of the HBO show, is problematic.

The result is that the show, encapsulating
post structural feminist ideas and the networks marketing team angling for a hip noir product to generate revenue conflicts directly with the social inability of the masses of viewers whom do not have the equivalent of post doctoral studies backgrounds and therefore miss the disconnect between valid kernels of modern feminist concepts and the reality of live and actual interpersonal dynamic with the latent effect of choices and actions on daily existence. In a word, people watch the show and then try to play out their own versions of an episode and in the wake of these choices, fuck up. They are not fucking with the body as a toy of Eros like I would postulate they might envision themselves to be, but they are fucking with the minds and more damaging with the souls of those enrolled innocently as characters in the play unwittingly as well as their own souls.

The problem is the time line. To put together a made for TV show, just like in the movies when you see a flick like ‘Kingdom of Heaven’ and Jerusalem is under siege and twenty minutes later the Protagonist is back in France having been the hero, gotten the girl and returned from the odyssey to be his true self realized, the timelines are so compressed that the masses begin to feel privileged to get like returns in short order. How many people buy a lottery ticket hoping to become an instant multi millionaire ‘success.’ The reality of being a sincere and straight forward Soul however has nothing to do with such big return on such little investment. Depth is lacking that makes the experiences real and makes the experiences of the kind that there is no post regret. With a shallow approach to living out episodic events in a compressed timeline with disregard to the effect on the individual souls of those involved, the masses of people doing such, are stepping off the precipice and into the fires of Hell. What is Hell but the torment of regret of poor judgment made in haste with out regard to the lasting effect of a moments action.

I argue that a sincere and thoughtful person who is a valid student of feminist and social dynamic and the cause and effect of such behavior on the Souls of those involved acts with clarity and care not perpetrate the very dynamic in opposition to what drives the person towards review and study of feminist ideals in the first place. Other wise all they are doing is becoming what they despise in the male interpersonal dynamic. Other wise they are continuing the Hell that fired them up into looking for salvation in the pursuit of knowledge to understand they found their way to exploring greater social dynamic.

However, sincerity is result of character, character is a result of ethics and morality and what is the condition of the masses of viewers of the show in reality? For those people who play out episodic events in compressed timelines they are void of the character depth that would give them pause upon watching a show and give them questions to the kernel of feminist concepts and valid theoretical queries into the post modern social paradigm we live in today.
How was I on the receiving end of such and event as to sponsor this line of thought from my own mind? Well the wave of a glorious moment caught me up and the choices and actions in the moment mislead me as being sincere when the timeline was over and the commercial pause occurred… the channel was switched and I was hearing the classic Hee Haw song that ends in ‘PHlhishpishpisp she was gone!’ I believe the person was not with malice in actions but the lack of depth of understanding of the cause and effect of choices and behavior and lack of consideration for others gave no moment for reflection of what am I doing right now… really?

From my review, I feel strongly that out of conflict and hardship is the seed of inspiration for growth so I have no regrets. I have wonderful memories and I have the knowledge of my choices in the moment and how I handled the rip tide as the almost instant change occurred and tore my emotions asunder and how I have been able to stand up and get my head above water and reflect on my part and make notes of what I will and will not do in the future now given this experiential knowledge.

So what is the problematic effect of TV shows like “Sex in the City” attempting depth and having to succeed so they wrap the seed of the idea in a layer of
Dionysian appeal of nipples and bare buttocks and wine and Bohemian revolt against the considered conservative politic of power.

Really these topics were addressed centuries ago with
Aristophane’s Lysistrata where the power of who makes what choices is revealed in the reality of ‘if the home is not secure the outer world falls apart’ and the female is the care taker of the home. The mother figure nurtures the environment where our progeny grow and carry on our dreams.

Truly the issue is the source by which modern humanity learns character. Our pulpit is the TV and the guide is the marketing more who uses the base desire of all people to create money in a show that lasts. So, today’s populace is learning morality and cognitive ability from sound bites. Until they realize the Hell and torment these lessons are propelling them into, a downward spiral of cause and effect will continue and the strength of the home, of the core, of the Soul is being stuffed into a painful box.

Until enough people step up with sincere experiences and effect those people living under the false God of TV, the tide will continue to go out and lay barren the landscape of our future.

Be real people, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Sunday, October 09, 2005


I should have taken some pictures

Got a IM from an old friend of mine... 'whatcha doin?' asked Bobby...

I have not seen Mizz Bobby for a while, we used to ride motorcycles often and just in general hang out... she is in some of my pics here and there online...

The weather in Colorado yesterday was classic spectacular... so.. I grabbed Phaelan and Ruby and hucked them in the car and went and found PDM some new boots... Check these out!... (pic will upload later) ... nice color huh? Her old paddock boots where too tight for motorcycle rides and gotta have boots to cover the ankles.

This was PDM's longest ride so far. Took her up to Massonville, up to Stove Prairie then up and over and down and out Risk Canyon. There are some tight second gear corners on that loop and PDM did good as passenger. Her new helmet (full face road lid instead of her dirt lid) was a little snug and we had to stop and take her French Braids out to reduce the forhead pressure. Some of the corners on Risk Canyon are thes falling away tight tight switch backs where when going down hill it is as if you (to the unexperienced rider) let the bike fall into and down the hill ....

After the ride PDM was smiles and like 'cool'

During the ride thought there was that one corner and I came into it, the corner got tighter and I had to tap the brake realign my direction and goose the gas... and here I had been going real slow and smooth with my precious cargo on board... like skiing sometimes I feel safer when I am pushing the limits because all my senses are ON you know... anyway, we were fine, I stayed on my side of the yellow line and no prob... just had to tap the brake and adjust...

BUT ... as I watched my mirror for Bobby to get her 883 harley around the corner... OMG she blew over the yellow and went way wide... she stayed on the pavement and no cars where coming up hill so all was good that ends good... but good gracious!

In my past I have run into reducing radius curves and turns while pushing high speeds, I have reacted becuase of my high speed, by not touching the brakes and just giving more gas and trusting physics... and hoping my tires will stick... and they have, and here I am, and so at slower speeds where there is more room for the suspension to suck up errors with out breaking the rubber loose and sliding, you can tap a break so I was not worried just a 'oops' and all. I mean I have slide tyres before, have stood my bike on it's front wheel in traffic pulling an emergencie stoppie (WITH LUGGAGE) and all sorts of things.. I have a couple miles on the road at this point of my riding since the age of 12...

Just glad no cars where in the lane when Bobby had to drift wide. I think I would like to get her on a dirt bike and have her drift a bike sideways in the dirt flat track style cause that is what would have kept her in her lane yesterday... the experience to gas it and tweak the bar with a counter steer bump and thenthe bike would heal over harder (hers would be scraping pegs and pipe at that point, hard) and she would likely slide the back tire some and have to stick a foot out and ... stay in her lane with out a high side or low side and or going into the other lane...

I did that once with camping gear on my old blue bike on Independance pass... a frost heave bucked my bike as I came into a hairpin and i stuffed a foot out flat track style and had a moment of PUCKER as my bike slid on the foot pegs and I kept it all together and pulled through with out sliding down into the ravine.

(hope mom is not reading this!)


Hey... any way... we had a fantasticaly rich and creamy chocolate and peanut butter cup pie at Vernes.... and it was good to spend a little time with an old friend. Bobby bought a house recently and with her travels.... 6 to 7 days a week... she is just not around much.

Good to be connecting to old friends though.. did I already say that? I guess the universe is giving me a hug.


Friday, October 07, 2005


programing code... it is a sign when...

.: Then the alarm went off :.
So the sign is that it is Friday, you have to go at 15:00 to get the kiddo from school and you are working on a logic loop and handleing errors and debuging and all that jazz and

what th!

Then when I got home and Phaelan and I played for a bit with Ruby who was home alone today, then we were able to include the three nieghborhood hooligan dogs inthe mix so all canids got ball time, back rubs, tag, and eye booger picking and Phaelan goofed and I got my shirt torn (by Ruby) and we played good.

Then when I made pizza for dinner, with the oven on BROIL wondering why the bottom of the pie was soft, then realizing why and my sinus was getting worse and maybe I should not have had that glass of red wine...

Then watching ice age with cats and ruby and phaelan and we were eating my head was pounding I ate my food... and fell asleep.

Then the movie is over and kid is gone but animals are piled on me as the annoying sound of the DVD menu screen kept looping


I stumble upstairs put food away, Phaelan is brushing her teeth and I open my computer to look at the logic loop I was working at 15:00 when my alarm went off... next thing I know, it is 1.5 hours later, Phaelan is asleep on the couch, I got the logic working, the data validation working, the field locks working, the selection of correct table template working and Whoo Hoo and I look around, it is 21:30, Phaelan is asleep and Ruby is crossing her legs 'i gotta peeee' she is telling me.

I got out, Ruby Pees I go to the gate waiting for her to come through and then the next thing I know she walks past me from OUTSIDE the gate back INTO the back yard... oops. Eyes must have closed. I was thinking of the code I have been working on.

I go inside OOOOMPH pick Phaelan up off the couch tuck her in, check email, write this....

It is a sign, I think I am near the threshold almost where I am getting INTO finding solutions in code.


I am going to sleep now.

Namaste faithful readers and all that ...

Sunday, October 02, 2005


Mead's have been philisophic group for a long time

.: From my Dad... his thoughts on my recent blatherings :.

This means for me that I am ready to Love unconditionally because in this test, while I would have wanted other realities to unfold, here I am and I only can control my reaction to life and my choices to situations and I feel I have with integrity faced Love, Loss, Grief with sincerity of my full self. 22 Sept.
Seems as though you had found an answer back in Sept. By stepping into the world of love and loving all things great and small, you become one with the universe. That is the God created universe of the cosmos. That is the source of all life. When other souls are unable to fathom this kind of unconditional love, don't let them drain your souls energy. When other souls want to test you, don't step into the ring to see who can stand the longest. When you are centered no one can knock you over. That is the Chi of your own energy source. That is the your deeply rooted sense of who you are and what being a Mead person is about. The generations of Mead people who have stood before you and are watching you stand tall and straight and true to yourself. All of their love energy is focused in you.
I really apprieciate feedback like this..

It is Sunday AM, I have been working on office work for a while, think i am going to go mow my yard now....

Been reaching out to old friends and some new friends. Found out a neighbor who has his office near my garage, has been going through similar life drama of interpersonal relations. It is amazing really.... what is the chain of events that brings people together and why...

as he told me his story his eyes were getting teary. This is an atty who is almost 50, and he is experiencing the same pain of the heart / being that I had recently. I hope he takes me up on my offer to stop by anytime and hang out and 'share' as it would be good for me.

I find in life, the more I help others, the better I feel about me. And, the more I learn about my own stuff and it helps me process better what goes on in my life. I am amazed how I 'think' I am over and past the emotive place in my drama and have moved on. The reason I am amazed is that 15 years ago, when a similar life event occured... it took me years to get to this place.... almost 10 years actually.

So, here I am...

mindfull of my footsteps
as I mow my yard
wtih my antique push mower
soaking in the warmth
of the sun on my body
mindfull of my footsteps

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