Friday, December 21, 2012
copied from tiny buddha
The People We Need to Forgive Can be Our Greatest Teachers
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Toni-Yvonne Keddie
“The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” ~Marianne Williamson
I lay huddled in a ball, my arms tightly around my knees, screaming at the top of my lungs. “Stop!” I wailed.
It was November 30, 2006. The next day I was turning 13, and it seemed like my life was crumbling before my eyes.
Earlier that night I was on my computer mindlessly clicking, with the usual soundtrack in the background, my mother and stepfather screaming at each other—until I heard a shattering smash. For minutes the house lay silent.
I crept out of my room, down the hallway to see my stepfather throwing my mother’s broken glasses back at her face. I saw the glass coffee table shattered.
“Go through to your room Toni!” my mother yelled. I refused and stubbornly watched.
My stepfather and mother continued to yell. Next the television hit the floor, and that’s when I found myself in the ball, screaming for it all to stop.
After that night we moved into a women’s shelter for the abused and homeless. In a haze of Valium, depression, and nightmares I watched women pass me by. Their children’s eyes spoke of horrors.
I spent the next five years of my life in a chaotic darkness within my head. I blamed myself for what had happened that night and despised what I was.
During that time, my mother and I flew to the other side of the planet and back many times over, chasing fleeting moments and running away from ourselves.
Eventually, my mother went back to my stepfather. Things quickly escalated and we again moved to another country, then to another state.
After that night, a huge resentment boiled inside of me, particularly for my stepfather. Still, I would go up to visit him every now and then after we moved back to Sydney.
These visits became poisonous for me, as I blamed him for everything—for moving me to Australia when I was seven, for the dark detours my life took seemingly because of him, and for what I felt and saw.
With every drop of alcohol that passed his lips, his smug face became more and more arrogant; his sickening grin was like nails to a chalkboard.
As years flew by I turned 17, moved out of our home, stopped talking to my mother, and cut everyone I knew off.
My stepfather was a constant presence inside my mind. I replayed the scenes over and over, drowning in tides of painful memories.
I felt deep down that my time with him was not over; there was unfinished business.
After turning 18, I made some peace with myself, my family, and where I was in terms of geography. A sense of direction and meaning slowly crept into my life. Yet, like a concrete wall, there lay the past and my stepfather.
The path of forgiveness was never going to be easy. Although I knew I needed to take that path, inside I was conflicted and confused.
One night, clicking mindlessly through Facebook, I saw a friend request from my stepfather. Sirens wailed in my head; was I ready for this? Over the next month we talked. In the daze of confusion I felt grief, compassion, and empathy.
He was a lost boy, a child inside, so badly hurt by life and other people that he felt comfort in unleashing on others. Were his actions right? No.
But understanding his pain and past helped me come to terms with mine.
Next month, on December 1, 2012 I will be 19. Unlike the previous years, when I spent the preceding months mourning what could have been, I feel comfort.
Slowly, I am making peace with my past and my stepfather; I forgive him for his actions and want for him nothing but happiness and fulfillment. The thought of his loneliness pains me, yet I feel it is through his loneliness and struggles he may manage to forgive himself and find peace with his past.
At times down the path of forgiveness, I heard a voice inside saying that I was letting him off easy, but a wiser one told me different. What good was to come of holding onto this ball of poisonous energy? It was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode within.
I now feel thankful for my stepfather’s influence and presence in my life. He has been one of my greatest teachers; he just doesn’t realize it.
That’s often the case with the people who’ve hurt us. When we can see what we’ve gained from having them in our lives, it’s so much easier to forgive.
Photo by Fey Ilyas
that was the third time
i will say this bluntly
in my twenties i was betrayed and my heart broken
by a woman i loved and wanted to be with together when we were old and great grandparents
i did not realize that i was the summer fling, i was the affair
she married her high sweet heart
thanks Betsy - that hurt.
took me over three years to kind of get over it, i had no skills or tools or support then
surprisingly my experience of the end of my marriage did not break my heart
i was mad, i was used, but i must have only been in it because i felt that finally someone came along that wanted me so i jumped on board... not fully... since that was not heart break
it was heart break with Lisa, i let her into my life
took the risk of introducing her to my kid
women i dated after my marriage did not meet my kid until i thought it was going to be something big or good or lasting... so a number of them did not meet my kid
well that was my mid thirties and we had these dreams of twin red headed boys and a mountain cabin
the day after Lisa 'broke it off with me' she had another guy... the brutal part was that she had moved into the apartment directly in front of my kitchen window so i got to watch every time his truck was there - that was like the scream by Gustv Klimt the fucking horror
this last time
i was all in, i wanted it to work, i made changes in my handling of things that i had struggled with for decades, i created a budget that i still work with and modify, i addressed back taxes and got a payment plan in action and my credit score is rising from low average to middle average, i had major emotional psychological break troughs about issues that were at my root being that had driven me rather than my making conscious choices over... i was all in. - i was taking emotional hits, i was forgiving behavior done to me that was hurtful i was all in. for the first time i felt really loved felt really happy - then it slowly dissolved and man did i fight it. i wanted it to not be so
the truth is like this, every time we went camping Laura always went looking to see if there was a better camp site while i just wanted to unpack and set up our assigned camp site.
you see inherently i feel i can make any camp site work
Laura inherently was always looking for the greener pasture the better option
she did that in our relationship by having an affair with a man she met out of state around one of the trips to visit her daughter in college in AZ. she found a better camp site.
how do i know i was traumatized by the series of events that unrolled since mid 2011 and this year of 2012 will go down as the 'wait a minute i am about to vomit' year ... the cold sweats, the insomnia, the nausea, agitated digestive system, the lack of hunger...
i have had these moments of wanting to to help her - then i realized -- who would while wearing a claddagh ring on the left hand an age old irish symbol of engagement and the way we wore it of marriage, who would multiple times verbalize a commitment, who lived for a solid two years equally in my house as i in her house we were together everyday for more than two years... over the 5 and a half or depending on how one counts the time.... first fuck to last fuck? (ooooo i offended you? too bad - bite me) -- who while in a supposed life partner commitment ... block their partners cell phone -- twice. she had my dog in her house and locked all the exterior doors so i could not get it!
in hind sight... that takes significant lack of character
so what am i doing still having the urge to help her?
i still love her
always will - my bad
i have learned to forgive but not forget... if you forgive bad behavior do you just shut up about it and allow that person to keep doing the bad behavior? no.
you set boundaries ... some families do interventions... will anyone do an intervention for Laura?
she is repeating her same pattern.... hot swap her men. get a new one that does not know all her secrets since when one knows all her secrets she cant hide it gets harder to weave webs of untruth
i realized this when one day amongst another couple and Laura and I she brought up 'lets set a wedding date' ... happily i mentioned this the next morning to Laura's co-worker.... Laura jumped down my throat told me it was not my place to tell her that... ? really? ... in hind sight the only explanation is what was being told to the coworker did not align to what was being said to myself and my neighbors... webs get tricky if they are not built on truth...
why am i posting this public?
she needs an intervention... other wise the temporary honeymoon phase with the old guy she moved into her house.... in less than three months after our six year relationship, from out of state, ... you do the math... the phase she will do will repeat and in three or less than five years she will just repeat.
it is heartbreaking to watch someone put them selves through a repeating hell like that.
there is nothing i can do
she never believed in me enough to work together on us... it was fine that i was doing work but in hindsight i realized she never did work.. no change... same person she was when she called me in tears in our first few months together because she was packed and driving to the airport not to go to a business convention or meeting but to spend a weekend a spa with another guy... i forgave her then and opened my heart to trust and we went on for more than five years... of which a solid four years where good
i learned a lot A LOT... i made big changes in me, i understand stuff i did not understand 6 years ago...
i am thankful for the good memories and for a while i believe she believed we would do it
until it came time to talk about co-inhabiting in one house and not doing the two house thing, it was fine when i was me and my daughter moving into her house... but the change of moving out of her house and turning that into her office... was too much... that was the snap
my push for getting us in one house, for more little moment together time... was the beginning of the end ... that and her willingness to have a fucking affair
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Forgiven yet never forgotten that what you did you did knowingly
Thursday, December 13, 2012
letting go of dandelions
Saturday, December 01, 2012
Soul journey is a quarter inch long but many miles deep
There is no spiritual program -
Meister Echart - - says "...that there is no such thing as spiritual journey. ... If there were a spiritual journey, it would be only a quarter inch long, though many miles deep. (sic. here is the cool part) It would be a swerve into rhythm with your deeper nature and presence. The wisdom here is so consoling. (sic. ready for it?) You do not have to go away outside yourself to come into real conversation with your soul and with the mysteries of the spiritual world. The eternal is at home -- within you."
The eternal is at home - within you.
A little further down the page...
"Friendships and relationships suffer immense nmbing through the mechanisim of familiarization. We reduce the wildness and mystery of a person and landscape to the external, familiar image. Yet the familiar is merely a facade. Familiarity enables us to tame, control, and ultimately forget the mystery. We make our peace with the surface as image and we stay away from the Otherness and fecund turbulence of the unknown that it masks. Familiarity is one of the most subtle and pervasive forms of human alienation."
Fecund turbulence is to say the chaos of the unknown is where the most productive growth knowing and becoming occurs. Out of the wildness, the unknown. In the wild there is fear of being eaten, of falling off a cliff, of breaking a leg and no one around for rescue. In the wilderness our senses are alert, we are not walking about not paying attention, we are fully alive in the moment. The real is vivid in the wilderness the unknown the pain the fear the place where growth occurs.
Embrace it, it will help you find your way home. We are not wasted and can't find our way home. We are numbed out on the narcotic of delusion rationalizing that we are important. We, all of us, are meaningful and that is all. Our purpose is to be authentic and true and seek Truth. It is inside us. It is all around us. We are nothing and we are everything. There is a candle lit on the windowsill of the kitchen in our home for all of us to see if we look we can find the peace and love at our hearth.