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Friday, December 21, 2012


copied from tiny buddha

The People We Need to Forgive Can be Our Greatest Teachers

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Toni-Yvonne Keddie 
“The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” ~Marianne Williamson
I lay huddled in a ball, my arms tightly around my knees, screaming at the top of my lungs. “Stop!” I wailed.
It was November 30, 2006. The next day I was turning 13, and it seemed like my life was crumbling before my eyes.
Earlier that night I was on my computer mindlessly clicking, with the usual soundtrack in the background, my mother and stepfather screaming at each other—until I heard a shattering smash. For minutes the house lay silent.
I crept out of my room, down the hallway to see my stepfather throwing my mother’s broken glasses back at her face. I saw the glass coffee table shattered.
“Go through to your room Toni!” my mother yelled. I refused and stubbornly watched.
My stepfather and mother continued to yell. Next the television hit the floor, and that’s when I found myself in the ball, screaming for it all to stop.
After that night we moved into a women’s shelter for the abused and homeless. In a haze of Valium, depression, and nightmares I watched women pass me by. Their children’s eyes spoke of horrors.
I spent the next five years of my life in a chaotic darkness within my head. I blamed myself for what had happened that night and despised what I was.
During that time, my mother and I flew to the other side of the planet and back many times over, chasing fleeting moments and running away from ourselves.
Eventually, my mother went back to my stepfather. Things quickly escalated and we again moved to another country, then to another state.
After that night, a huge resentment boiled inside of me, particularly for my stepfather. Still, I would go up to visit him every now and then after we moved back to Sydney.
These visits became poisonous for me, as I blamed him for everything—for moving me to Australia when I was seven, for the dark detours my life took seemingly because of him, and for what I felt and saw.
With every drop of alcohol that passed his lips, his smug face became more and more arrogant; his sickening grin was like nails to a chalkboard.
As years flew by I turned 17, moved out of our home, stopped talking to my mother, and cut everyone I knew off.
My stepfather was a constant presence inside my mind. I replayed the scenes over and over, drowning in tides of painful memories.
I felt deep down that my time with him was not over; there was unfinished business.
After turning 18, I made some peace with myself, my family, and where I was in terms of geography. A sense of direction and meaning slowly crept into my life. Yet, like a concrete wall, there lay the past and my stepfather.
The path of forgiveness was never going to be easy. Although I knew I needed to take that path, inside I was conflicted and confused.
One night, clicking mindlessly through Facebook, I saw a friend request from my stepfather. Sirens wailed in my head; was I ready for this? Over the next month we talked. In the daze of confusion I felt grief, compassion, and empathy.
He was a lost boy, a child inside, so badly hurt by life and other people that he felt comfort in unleashing on others. Were his actions right? No.
But understanding his pain and past helped me come to terms with mine.
Next month, on December 1, 2012 I will be 19. Unlike the previous years, when I spent the preceding months mourning what could have been, I feel comfort.
Slowly, I am making peace with my past and my stepfather; I forgive him for his actions and want for him nothing but happiness and fulfillment. The thought of his loneliness pains me, yet I feel it is through his loneliness and struggles he may manage to forgive himself and find peace with his past.
At times down the path of forgiveness, I heard a voice inside saying that I was letting him off easy, but a wiser one told me different. What good was to come of holding onto this ball of poisonous energy? It was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode within.
I now feel thankful for my stepfather’s influence and presence in my life. He has been one of my greatest teachers; he just doesn’t realize it.
That’s often the case with the people who’ve hurt us. When we can see what we’ve gained from having them in our lives, it’s so much easier to forgive.
Photo by Fey Ilyas


that was the third time

third time is the charm

i hope

i will say this bluntly

in my twenties i was betrayed and my heart broken
by a woman i loved and wanted to be with together when we were old and great grandparents
i did not realize that i was the summer fling, i was the affair
she married her high sweet heart
thanks Betsy - that hurt.

took me over three years to kind of get over it, i had no skills or tools or support then

surprisingly my experience of the end of my marriage did not break my heart
i was mad, i was used, but i must have only been in it because i felt that finally someone came along that wanted me so i jumped on board... not fully... since that was not heart break

it was heart break with Lisa, i let her into my life
took the risk of introducing her to my kid
women i dated after my marriage did not meet my kid until i thought it was going to be something big or good or lasting... so a number of them did not meet my kid

well that was my mid thirties and we had these dreams of twin red headed boys and a mountain cabin
the day after Lisa 'broke it off with me' she had another guy... the brutal part was that she had moved into the apartment directly in front of my kitchen window so i got to watch every time his truck was there - that was like the scream  by Gustv Klimt    the fucking horror

this last time

Laura ...

i was all in, i wanted it to work, i made changes in my handling of things that i had struggled with for decades, i created a budget that i still work with and modify, i addressed back taxes and got a payment plan in action and my credit score is rising from low average to middle average, i had major emotional psychological break troughs about issues that were at my root being that had driven me rather than my making conscious choices over... i was all in.   - i was taking emotional hits, i was forgiving behavior done to me that was hurtful i was all in. for the first time i felt really loved felt really happy - then it slowly dissolved and man did i fight it. i wanted it to not be so

the truth is like this, every time we went camping Laura always went looking to see if there was a better camp site while i just wanted to unpack and set up our assigned camp site.

you see inherently i feel i can make any camp site work
Laura inherently was always looking for the greener pasture the better option

she did that in our relationship by having an affair with a man she met out of state around one of the trips to visit her daughter in college in AZ. she found a better camp site.

how do i know i was traumatized by the series of events that unrolled since mid 2011 and this year of 2012 will go down as the 'wait a minute i am about to vomit' year ... the cold sweats, the insomnia, the nausea, agitated digestive system, the lack of hunger...

i have had these moments of wanting to to help her - then i realized -- who would while wearing a claddagh ring on the left hand an age old irish symbol of engagement and the way we wore it of marriage, who would multiple times verbalize a commitment, who lived for a solid two years equally in my house as i in her house we were together everyday for more than two years... over the 5 and a half or depending on how one counts the time.... first fuck to last fuck?  (ooooo i offended you? too bad - bite me)     -- who while in a supposed life partner commitment ... block their partners cell phone -- twice. she had my dog in her house and locked all the exterior doors so i could not get it!

in hind sight... that takes significant lack of character

so what am i doing still having the urge to help her?

i still love her

always will - my bad

i have learned to forgive but not forget... if you forgive bad behavior do you just shut up about it and allow that person to keep doing the bad behavior? no.

you set boundaries ... some families do interventions... will anyone do an intervention for Laura?

not likely

she is repeating her same pattern.... hot swap her men. get a new one that does not know all her secrets since when one knows all her secrets she cant hide it gets harder to weave webs of untruth

i realized this when one day amongst another couple and Laura and I she brought up 'lets set a wedding date' ... happily i mentioned this the next morning to Laura's co-worker.... Laura jumped down my throat told me it was not my place to tell her that... ? really? ... in hind sight the only explanation is what was being told to the coworker did not align to what was being said to myself and my  neighbors... webs get tricky if they are not built on truth...

why am i posting this public?

she needs an intervention... other wise the temporary honeymoon phase with the old guy she moved into her house.... in less than three months after our six year relationship, from out of state, ... you do the math... the phase she will do will repeat and in three or less than five years she will just repeat.

it is heartbreaking to watch someone put them selves through a repeating hell like that.

there is nothing i can do

she never believed in me enough to work together on us... it was fine that i was doing work but in hindsight i realized she never did work.. no change... same person she was when she called me in tears in our first few months together because she was packed and driving to the airport not to go to a business convention or meeting but to spend a weekend a spa with another guy... i forgave her then and opened my heart to trust and we went on for more than five years... of which a solid four years where good

i learned a lot A LOT... i made big changes in me, i understand stuff i did not understand 6 years ago...

i am thankful for the good memories and for a while i believe she believed we would do it

until it came time to talk about co-inhabiting in one house and not doing the two house thing, it was fine when i was me and my daughter moving into her house... but the change of moving out of her house and turning that into her office... was too much... that was the snap

my push for getting us in one house, for more little moment together time... was the beginning of the end ... that and her willingness to have a fucking affair


Wednesday, December 19, 2012


Forgiven yet never forgotten that what you did you did knowingly

I am.
Floating in a dream lucid and alive yet dead and void. I am a cat named Schrödinger. Not really just kidding. LOL. I am not a cat. I am not German. 

I am germane in context with breaking. Post break an apple falls, a seed floats, a current stops. Breaking can mean the pressure drops as in pipeline full of water or forbid and gasp - flammable fluids that ignite.

I am not flammable however I have been feeling volatile. Feeling like this time if perhaps in a moment of randomness someone passing by or in the room or blinking, thinks, they can get away with pushing that guy just a little further. I was pushed once when I was 14 and in that moment surrounded by a goon squad what went through my small skull attached to my dangling body held up off the floor by the neck by squid goon wrestling shit stain muscle bound waste of air - I did not want to hurt him. So I dangled. I, 95 pounds of dangling 8th grader did not want to hurt the meat stick holding me off the floor. Today I suspect this pent up built up rage in my core would explode under pressure into a Quentin Tarantino film noir or should I say rouge. Blood spatters thick after the first gush releases from the carotid artery and the pressure diminishes slightly. Snap.

I am a little pissed off. I have a right to be.

I trusted a person to the core, I felt she was worthy of being a life partner for life. When things disintegrated I thought it was because I had made strides to improve and it left nothing for her to complain about. Just the opposite occurred and it occurred in hind sight as a fact of nothing to do with me. She found a better offer a better fit a person of interest that she nurtured for one or two years and as things got sideways with us it was my fault; I did not trust her, I was jealous, I was smothering her she needed space. Funny - all those complaints roll up under the truth that came out with time. She was looking to get me to leave by pissing me off because she felt she found a better option. In her daughters college town out of state during one of the trips I did not go on. Years ago.

Really, what people can rationalize stuns the senses. 

Commitment - when a person commits to another person, wears a claddagh  ring for years, it is supposed to mean something. Love loyalty and friendship.

Now if a couple grows apart and grows distant... Life happens and in these days it happens fast, however to rationalize away integrity and kindness? By the prickling in my thumb something wicked this way comes. Lack of kindness and consideration is evil. Is evil ever justified because someone was afraid? 

No - fear is why there are wars and feuds and racial issues and class wars and non of that is justified. It does not hold up in a court of law - why would it justify interpersonal relationship degradation? 

What happened was wicked. The doer of the wicked action is doomed. That is sad. So now what? It happened. I have body reactions from the trauma. Now what? At this point all I can do is move on and let go. 

To let go in earth people existential speak is to fall. I let go of the tree branch and fell. To let go in spiritual people transcendental speak is to rise. Ascend fall up elevate and to be not controlled by fear or hate. The anti love is to grasp the love is the not grasp. 

Working on that letting go part. The best way to let go is immediately when a visceral feeling enters the anima/animus brain stem as an affect of an action or memory however I am not a guru. Working on improvement and change and getting better every day over time as some days are easier than others and like the stock market ups and downs happen but over time the trend is up. Letting go letting go letting go. 

So now what? She has had lost ran away from; integrity. It happens. So now what? To love unconditionally is to accept what is without judgment and forgive turn the other cheek and affirm graciousness and kindness. 

In the high school that same crowd that held me up by my neck once, showed up at a party they were not invited to, they were turned away and in anger or spite they damaged cars. My car had damage. Once I fixed the dents the broken controls inside the car I drove out to each ones house and knocked on their doors. I asked for money to offset the cost. They all declined they did it, declined to apologize as they stood shell shocked starring at me from their doorways. I felt better for confronting and showing through action that I was not afraid. I was alone in my courage.

So now what? I was betrayed by infidelity and betrayed by one I had put my complete trust into and energy to supporting as best I could. It was not enough for them. Now what? Do I have the courage to walk alone. You bet your fucking soul sucking asses. I am stronger each time I survive some trauma or pain or unkind act and I do it with integrity and as Rudyard Kipling stated in 'IF' I do so with authenticity I know I will survive and thrive. Continue to thrive and continue to grow.

Fuck you.

Does not mean I forget the act that person in her betrayal of everything sacred we did and shared and held dear - for a little while on this life journey. I can forgive accept and be compassionate but I do not have to be anything more than that. I would not wish the hell she is in to be inflicted on my worst enemy and yet she puts herself their with her decisions. That is true for all the people in the world who are stuck in their karma cycles and clinging to attempted control and fear based reactions. 

So now what. Let go. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. I will not call her out by name, although a vengeful part of me wants a scarlet letter on her to be worn that declares 'when scared will commit adultery' as my exit strategy. 

But I will write a book about healing from such trauma. There are books that have good points but I have not found one that wraps a process up into something that I would have liked to have found in one book.

Those that knew us will know and that will not be a picnic for her. Facts are facts and time-line actions are what they are. 

My suggestion to you the reader - always choose your every move and action as if a full disclosure will reveal to all what you did. If you are uncomfortable that granny finds out or your clients find out or that strangers on the street know... dang dude, just don't do it. Only do what you can live with if or when full disclosure happens. That is authenticity. Right action. Ascendant behavior. 

I will always love and care for that woman that person that shattered my heart into a million pieces so easily. Forgiven but not forgotten.

Now if you excuse me I am going to go vent my emotions eviscerated with poetry and then with a work out at the gym I will breathe in the world and exhale love.

Thursday, December 13, 2012


letting go of dandelions

letting go

i will never know the truth
the sequence
what happened in what order
it does not matter

lies beget lies and the web of confusion is likely obscured
even from the one who spun the web
she made her choices for her reasons
it is what it is and
not in my control or realm of influence

letting go

all i can do is acknowledge that
i am authentic and earnest and compassionate
there will be when i am ready a person to share
this part of me with
the sadness that she was not
is not
wont be that person
is what it is

letting go

imagine a dandelion
a seed of a dandelion
blow on it lightly
imagine the breeze lifting
it goes to where all new beginnings go

letting go

Saturday, December 01, 2012


Soul journey is a quarter inch long but many miles deep

From:: ANAM CARA , John O'Donohue, page 89, 90

There is no spiritual program -
Meister Echart  - - says "...that there is no such thing as spiritual journey. ... If there were a spiritual journey, it would be only a quarter inch long, though many miles deep. (sic. here is the cool part) It would be a swerve into rhythm with your deeper nature and presence. The wisdom here is so consoling. (sic. ready  for it?) You do not have to go away outside yourself to come into real conversation with your soul and with the mysteries of the spiritual world. The eternal is at home -- within you."

way wow.

The eternal is at home - within you.

A little further down the page...

"Friendships and relationships suffer immense nmbing through the mechanisim of familiarization. We reduce the wildness and mystery of a person and landscape to the external, familiar image. Yet the familiar is merely a facade. Familiarity enables us to tame, control, and ultimately forget the mystery. We make our peace with the surface as image and we stay away from the Otherness and fecund turbulence of the unknown that it masks. Familiarity is one of the most subtle and pervasive forms of human alienation."

Fecund turbulence is to say the chaos of the unknown is where the most productive growth knowing and becoming occurs. Out of the wildness, the unknown. In the wild there is fear of being eaten, of falling off a cliff, of breaking a leg and no one around for rescue. In the wilderness our senses are alert, we are not walking about not paying attention, we are fully alive in the moment. The real is vivid in the wilderness the unknown the pain the fear the place where growth occurs.

Embrace it, it will help you find your way home. We are not wasted and can't find our way home. We are numbed out on the narcotic of delusion rationalizing that we are important. We, all of us, are meaningful and that is all. Our purpose is to be authentic and true and seek Truth. It is inside us. It is all around us. We are nothing and we are everything. There is a candle lit on the windowsill of the kitchen in our home for all of us to see if we look we can find the peace and love at our hearth.

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