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Friday, December 21, 2012


that was the third time

third time is the charm

i hope

i will say this bluntly

in my twenties i was betrayed and my heart broken
by a woman i loved and wanted to be with together when we were old and great grandparents
i did not realize that i was the summer fling, i was the affair
she married her high sweet heart
thanks Betsy - that hurt.

took me over three years to kind of get over it, i had no skills or tools or support then

surprisingly my experience of the end of my marriage did not break my heart
i was mad, i was used, but i must have only been in it because i felt that finally someone came along that wanted me so i jumped on board... not fully... since that was not heart break

it was heart break with Lisa, i let her into my life
took the risk of introducing her to my kid
women i dated after my marriage did not meet my kid until i thought it was going to be something big or good or lasting... so a number of them did not meet my kid

well that was my mid thirties and we had these dreams of twin red headed boys and a mountain cabin
the day after Lisa 'broke it off with me' she had another guy... the brutal part was that she had moved into the apartment directly in front of my kitchen window so i got to watch every time his truck was there - that was like the scream  by Gustv Klimt    the fucking horror

this last time

Laura ...

i was all in, i wanted it to work, i made changes in my handling of things that i had struggled with for decades, i created a budget that i still work with and modify, i addressed back taxes and got a payment plan in action and my credit score is rising from low average to middle average, i had major emotional psychological break troughs about issues that were at my root being that had driven me rather than my making conscious choices over... i was all in.   - i was taking emotional hits, i was forgiving behavior done to me that was hurtful i was all in. for the first time i felt really loved felt really happy - then it slowly dissolved and man did i fight it. i wanted it to not be so

the truth is like this, every time we went camping Laura always went looking to see if there was a better camp site while i just wanted to unpack and set up our assigned camp site.

you see inherently i feel i can make any camp site work
Laura inherently was always looking for the greener pasture the better option

she did that in our relationship by having an affair with a man she met out of state around one of the trips to visit her daughter in college in AZ. she found a better camp site.

how do i know i was traumatized by the series of events that unrolled since mid 2011 and this year of 2012 will go down as the 'wait a minute i am about to vomit' year ... the cold sweats, the insomnia, the nausea, agitated digestive system, the lack of hunger...

i have had these moments of wanting to to help her - then i realized -- who would while wearing a claddagh ring on the left hand an age old irish symbol of engagement and the way we wore it of marriage, who would multiple times verbalize a commitment, who lived for a solid two years equally in my house as i in her house we were together everyday for more than two years... over the 5 and a half or depending on how one counts the time.... first fuck to last fuck?  (ooooo i offended you? too bad - bite me)     -- who while in a supposed life partner commitment ... block their partners cell phone -- twice. she had my dog in her house and locked all the exterior doors so i could not get it!

in hind sight... that takes significant lack of character

so what am i doing still having the urge to help her?

i still love her

always will - my bad

i have learned to forgive but not forget... if you forgive bad behavior do you just shut up about it and allow that person to keep doing the bad behavior? no.

you set boundaries ... some families do interventions... will anyone do an intervention for Laura?

not likely

she is repeating her same pattern.... hot swap her men. get a new one that does not know all her secrets since when one knows all her secrets she cant hide it gets harder to weave webs of untruth

i realized this when one day amongst another couple and Laura and I she brought up 'lets set a wedding date' ... happily i mentioned this the next morning to Laura's co-worker.... Laura jumped down my throat told me it was not my place to tell her that... ? really? ... in hind sight the only explanation is what was being told to the coworker did not align to what was being said to myself and my  neighbors... webs get tricky if they are not built on truth...

why am i posting this public?

she needs an intervention... other wise the temporary honeymoon phase with the old guy she moved into her house.... in less than three months after our six year relationship, from out of state, ... you do the math... the phase she will do will repeat and in three or less than five years she will just repeat.

it is heartbreaking to watch someone put them selves through a repeating hell like that.

there is nothing i can do

she never believed in me enough to work together on us... it was fine that i was doing work but in hindsight i realized she never did work.. no change... same person she was when she called me in tears in our first few months together because she was packed and driving to the airport not to go to a business convention or meeting but to spend a weekend a spa with another guy... i forgave her then and opened my heart to trust and we went on for more than five years... of which a solid four years where good

i learned a lot A LOT... i made big changes in me, i understand stuff i did not understand 6 years ago...

i am thankful for the good memories and for a while i believe she believed we would do it

until it came time to talk about co-inhabiting in one house and not doing the two house thing, it was fine when i was me and my daughter moving into her house... but the change of moving out of her house and turning that into her office... was too much... that was the snap

my push for getting us in one house, for more little moment together time... was the beginning of the end ... that and her willingness to have a fucking affair


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