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Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Forgiven yet never forgotten that what you did you did knowingly
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I am.
Floating in a dream lucid and alive yet dead and void. I am a cat named Schrödinger. Not really just kidding. LOL. I am not a cat. I am not German.
I am germane in context with breaking. Post break an apple falls, a seed floats, a current stops. Breaking can mean the pressure drops as in pipeline full of water or forbid and gasp - flammable fluids that ignite.
I am not flammable however I have been feeling volatile. Feeling like this time if perhaps in a moment of randomness someone passing by or in the room or blinking, thinks, they can get away with pushing that guy just a little further. I was pushed once when I was 14 and in that moment surrounded by a goon squad what went through my small skull attached to my dangling body held up off the floor by the neck by squid goon wrestling shit stain muscle bound waste of air - I did not want to hurt him. So I dangled. I, 95 pounds of dangling 8th grader did not want to hurt the meat stick holding me off the floor. Today I suspect this pent up built up rage in my core would explode under pressure into a Quentin Tarantino film noir or should I say rouge. Blood spatters thick after the first gush releases from the carotid artery and the pressure diminishes slightly. Snap.
I am a little pissed off. I have a right to be.
I trusted a person to the core, I felt she was worthy of being a life partner for life. When things disintegrated I thought it was because I had made strides to improve and it left nothing for her to complain about. Just the opposite occurred and it occurred in hind sight as a fact of nothing to do with me. She found a better offer a better fit a person of interest that she nurtured for one or two years and as things got sideways with us it was my fault; I did not trust her, I was jealous, I was smothering her she needed space. Funny - all those complaints roll up under the truth that came out with time. She was looking to get me to leave by pissing me off because she felt she found a better option. In her daughters college town out of state during one of the trips I did not go on. Years ago.
Really, what people can rationalize stuns the senses.
Commitment - when a person commits to another person, wears a claddagh ring for years, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Claddagh_ring it is supposed to mean something. Love loyalty and friendship.
Now if a couple grows apart and grows distant... Life happens and in these days it happens fast, however to rationalize away integrity and kindness? By the prickling in my thumb something wicked this way comes. Lack of kindness and consideration is evil. Is evil ever justified because someone was afraid?
No - fear is why there are wars and feuds and racial issues and class wars and non of that is justified. It does not hold up in a court of law - why would it justify interpersonal relationship degradation?
What happened was wicked. The doer of the wicked action is doomed. That is sad. So now what? It happened. I have body reactions from the trauma. Now what? At this point all I can do is move on and let go.
To let go in earth people existential speak is to fall. I let go of the tree branch and fell. To let go in spiritual people transcendental speak is to rise. Ascend fall up elevate and to be not controlled by fear or hate. The anti love is to grasp the love is the not grasp.
Working on that letting go part. The best way to let go is immediately when a visceral feeling enters the anima/animus brain stem as an affect of an action or memory however I am not a guru. Working on improvement and change and getting better every day over time as some days are easier than others and like the stock market ups and downs happen but over time the trend is up. Letting go letting go letting go.
So now what? She has had lost ran away from; integrity. It happens. So now what? To love unconditionally is to accept what is without judgment and forgive turn the other cheek and affirm graciousness and kindness.
In the high school that same crowd that held me up by my neck once, showed up at a party they were not invited to, they were turned away and in anger or spite they damaged cars. My car had damage. Once I fixed the dents the broken controls inside the car I drove out to each ones house and knocked on their doors. I asked for money to offset the cost. They all declined they did it, declined to apologize as they stood shell shocked starring at me from their doorways. I felt better for confronting and showing through action that I was not afraid. I was alone in my courage.
So now what? I was betrayed by infidelity and betrayed by one I had put my complete trust into and energy to supporting as best I could. It was not enough for them. Now what? Do I have the courage to walk alone. You bet your fucking soul sucking asses. I am stronger each time I survive some trauma or pain or unkind act and I do it with integrity and as Rudyard Kipling stated in 'IF' I do so with authenticity I know I will survive and thrive. Continue to thrive and continue to grow.
Fuck you.
Does not mean I forget the act that person in her betrayal of everything sacred we did and shared and held dear - for a little while on this life journey. I can forgive accept and be compassionate but I do not have to be anything more than that. I would not wish the hell she is in to be inflicted on my worst enemy and yet she puts herself their with her decisions. That is true for all the people in the world who are stuck in their karma cycles and clinging to attempted control and fear based reactions.
So now what. Let go. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. I will not call her out by name, although a vengeful part of me wants a scarlet letter on her to be worn that declares 'when scared will commit adultery' as my exit strategy.
But I will write a book about healing from such trauma. There are books that have good points but I have not found one that wraps a process up into something that I would have liked to have found in one book.
Those that knew us will know and that will not be a picnic for her. Facts are facts and time-line actions are what they are.
My suggestion to you the reader - always choose your every move and action as if a full disclosure will reveal to all what you did. If you are uncomfortable that granny finds out or your clients find out or that strangers on the street know... dang dude, just don't do it. Only do what you can live with if or when full disclosure happens. That is authenticity. Right action. Ascendant behavior.
I will always love and care for that woman that person that shattered my heart into a million pieces so easily. Forgiven but not forgotten.
Now if you excuse me I am going to go vent my emotions eviscerated with poetry and then with a work out at the gym I will breathe in the world and exhale love.
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