Thursday, September 22, 2005
Involved in that start up and where did my time go?
Involved in the start up which is good, lot to do, being busy is the best way through grief.
Grieving the loss of a dream. What dream? Well... it really is a point of view I suppose. If you look at my last May through July time I had an experience that was sky rocketing uplifting and then bone crushing slammed into the hubris of painful life experience. I thought I found somthing that it is now evident I did not. I thought I found a life partner. The point of view is, that with hope, we will continue healing a deep friendship and that is good. The point of view is that when my heart was torn away and ground into pulp and spread like Haggus on burnt toast, I now know I have the emotional skills tools and ability of self care to survive. When I was in my early twenties I had a similar rug pulled out from under my perception of Love Relationship and it took me years to heal from the Betsy Chronicals. This time around while I still have moments of tears, I have strength and courage to understand in hindsight what happened and what is happening and to realize somthing else.
What is it that I seek? This months Yoga Journal has good information this stuff. Page 63 in the September/October issue is an article about 'Gotta Have It?' ... how to manage desire, whether for ice cream or a mate or true happiness. The other article is on page 115, 'The Awakening' how a personal crisis can be a gift on the path to spiritual maturity.
I choose this. What are the affirmations here? What can I learn?
One thing I have learned is that during the Bliss of May to July, I opened up to a True Love Unconditional Love Acceptance of another Soul. So now as things have unfolded I have found I easily accept her for who she is now, today, and hold no hard feelings for her choices. I Love her unconditionaly and that step once taken becomes a what is. It just is.
This means for me that I am ready to Love unconditionally because in this test, while I would have wanted other realities to unfold, here I am and I only can control my reaction to life and my choices to situations and I feel I have with integrity faced Love, Loss, Grief with sincerity of my full self.
Mooving forward. When I let go of FINDING a life partner, which I so want to find, when I become a true life partner to MY SELF and just live.... I will be open to when I glance into some other Souls eyes and we look at each other and time stops and we connect and we do so with integrity of communication with courage of facing fears and compassion of supporting and integrity to the individual self of each to be able to support the joined being of a family unit of partnership.
So, being way freakin busy with a start up, waking up at 4 am thinking of programming solutions in stead of waking up every three hours in greif and saddness of loss of a dream, I am ready.
Ready to keep living as true to my Soul Self as can be today.
Damn, I have some good book material too! My diaries and journals have been busting full of words this year.