Monday, September 26, 2005
At work I have been working on prepping a project for encapsulation. In my personal life I am having to learn how to encapsulate my emotions and initial feelings so that I can keep working, so that I do not react in a emotive place in a negative reactionary way... I need to focus on my strength to step back and take a breath and make choices.
Making choices is not easy. Being reactionary is the easy way out. I was pretty pissed. More so then other things in this drama that have pissed me off that I have shrugged off as ... your feelings have no effect on anyone but you Justin so chill out and practice unconditional love and let go. I was so set to fire off a big diatribe while running late trying to get to the kennel to get Ruby and sliding the motorcycle through traffic on the fringe of legal passing maneuvers. As I vented I kept asking myself, what will this prove? Struggling hard to not be reactionary, I went through a whole set of versions of 'how am I going to deal with this drama' 'what is my part of this drama?' 'do I want to participate in this cycle?' 'how is this drama like my old drama's?' 'what different choices can I make today?' 'what have I learned?'
So... I was able to keep working.... although I have resorted some to nicotine... and today, I took in the smoke and held that vile stuff. I still am not sure if it is really the nicotine or is it the excuse to step outside and 'breath deeply?' .. .or both? When I got home and raced off to get the car to get the Ruby Jane from the kennel before they closed... and then decided frig this, and went running with das pup and ran into a nieghbor who I have seen of late like a lot...
Do any of you lurking readers remember the Celestine Prophesy? ... it was/is like that. So there was 'J' and with two of the four dogs I have seen her with and we were litterally running the same way. So I introduced myself... it looks like I will have a good friend inthe nieghborhood. Her fiance and her are both programmers and techi's and dog lovers. Anyway, must be some reason that I kept seeing 'j' and ran into her and introduced myself.
And, got a little feedback from her about my drama, and, got really good feedback from some dear dear friends I have not been able to reach in a while.
So what a day.
The big thing around my drama that I choose to not participate in anymore, is how do I support Phaelan in this process? How do I explain to her in ways that are appropriate about what boundries I am going to put out there in my own personal life? what lessons can be found to help her understand and learn in ways that will help her be the strongest bravest centered little girl that she can be?
What are appropriate boundries any way? when does a boundry become abusive? When is a boundry a mask for control issues? when is a boundry really self care? what if what other people put out there as bounries seem ascue? How do I support them and take care of myself too? what is the right thing to do when trying to be considerate of others 'way of thinking' or others ability to understand? I have had to ask these very same questions around my interactions with my ex of late and other people as well. How do I set boundries with them in ways that keep the harmony in my life and theirs? What considerations can I make? What am I willing to walk away from and let go of in the name of harmony and living with integrity? How do I set boundries around and for my kid in ways that supports her child self and ability to understand?
What boundries do I need to put out there and when is the appropriate time to verbalize them? Maybe just verbalize them to myself and live with integrity with my choices?
Maybe this is what all my drama has been about of late, my lessons to learn out of this turn of events? 'you do not need to attach yourself to people with these kind of issues that result in me you walking on glass around them'
I have found some really good affirmations in my past couple of months of life. Some real hard tears have fallen some real dark times some real sincere emotive ups and downs.
One thing I keep focusing on is that to appreciate the dawn, I must be ok with going through the night, going through the dark. Not fear life, embrace it. I find as I embrace affirmations and let go of things out of my control (aka everything other then how I interact with life) ... I find more good things are happening in my life.
Like making a new friend today and reconnecting with some old dear friends I have not kept up with.
... so... time to go climb at the gym, time to get more and interact more with people... keep looking for the Celestine moments.
what are some of YOUR experiences that have been hard to let go of? but when you finally did, good things begain to happen?
Share.... leave a comment or three! :-)
its 6 am i can't be any deeper yet.