Thursday, December 22, 2005
The Universe is full of inspiration
Talk about the universe grabbing my ear and saying “YO! Pay attention young man!”
I have recently become overwhelmed with (maybe it is the holiday stuff) resentment towards the woman whom I had a summer relationship with and whom when it ended I felt she did it with out integrity and with out kindness and I had gone through stages of forgiving her and letting go, then I was able to get her imago out of my psychic minds eye and out of my dreams and I was able to let go, then I got pissed at her for not doing her work and being real when I felt like we were soul mates and then I let go of that and accepted her for just who she is and I thought I was over it… and I feel I would have been but…
But, in July she moved to the building NEXT to my house just BEFORE breaking up with me... As in she could not be any closer with out being IN my house. So, while I feel I had forgiven her and let go, twice… which was healthy and normal… because she is currently living RIGHT THERE where I can see all comings and goings by nature of my kitchen sink window looks at her front and back door and her parking spot I have been subjected to seeing things I do not want to see, I have been subjected to hearing conversations I do not want to hear when I have been in my yard, I have been subjected to her ongoing lack of truthfulness lack of kindness to just plain outright lack of consideration. I was finding, have been finding, am full of… resentment.
I resent her, and THAT upsets me. It is not the kind of thing I agree with. I do not agree with resentment yet I have been struggling to LET GO. I have not been able to let go of my resentment. .. Resenting why she would live next door and be so insensitive! I know I am capable of being good friends with my past lovers and I know I can be a respectful and compassionate friend. I have done so in the past with people successfully. But this person does not stop, does not own her crap, keeps being damn rude, then being all ‘cheeky’ and pretending there is nothing ‘out there’ for tension. Yet to expect me to be kind when she has been wicked? Is exhausting and tedious and I have been trying to figure out how to let go and get over it since there is nothing I can do about HER behavior I can only control and change MY behavior.
Yet, in my attempts to not engage and to be cordial when her new boyfriend waves at me when I get that they were an item BEFORE she told me all the things I wanted to hear that got me to the place where I thought and felt she was a potential life partner, in my attempts to not engage I have been successful but then afterwards, I get overwhelmed with RESENTMENT! I get all pissed off at my inability to let go when I thought I had worked it out, and I get hurt by her heartless inconsiderate decision to move into a place where I am subjected to her after everything should be done gone and over with… and hurt by her inability and unwillingness to talk about it, to own what she did, is doing and what is going on for her.
So, today I decide… Let me look at the Book of Shadows for some suggestions…
I look up in the index, find a line ‘resentment of result’ pg 161 and THEN... this is amazing! I look at the book and open RIGHT TO THAT PAGE! First shot first try! WOW! … And as I read the page.. This is what I read…
“There is a term sometimes used in magickal work that we need to cover before you delve further into affirmations. It’s called ‘resentment of result,’ and means that if you worry endlessly over an issue, even thought you have worked magick, the strength of your worry will overcome the strength of your magickal work, and in the end you will reap what you most feared.”
.. And in the end you will reap what you most feared… wait, I just read that in the Bible!
So I grab the New Testament my sister gave me, it is already open to Matthew 24 and there is this ‘study aid’ piece that says.. ‘For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matthew 7:1-2) and after that it says “In other words, you get what you give out. You want a Loving God? Then be Loving? You want a merciful God? Then be Merciful.” (Matthew 23:28)
So what does this MEAN?
One, I really want to get over this and in opening myself up to suggestions, I reached for a book of Wisdom and it resonates with a book of Guidance that I had just read from that morning and find a strong suggestion… but what is it?
What is it I am not getting that result is my turmoil? What can I do? I am worried about it. I am able to in the moment let go enough to be kind in the moment of interactions, but then in private I am worrying about it, not letting go of it. I start to get bent out of shape and loose focus on everything else for a bit…
Ok, so… I need to affirm that I deserve kindness and I embody kindness and compassion, and then I need to imagine that a breeze rises up and carries my discontent away like a leave from a tree that has gone dormant for the winter. Let my leaves fly and blow to some far away place where they will in the natural process of life decompose and give nutrients to new growth yet to be known. The spring will come again, the solstice has passed then sun came back and so too will the warmth of new relationships that will nurture new growth and joyous moments of blossoming life!
So… how about that for inspiration for you non believers of sources of wisdom can be found from many places to those with hearts open to the potentiality and the good.
In tandem the Book of Shadows and the Bible held words that I was guided to read and found resonance in and now, I will step forward and step out to feel the winds blow.
.:: DICTIONARY ::.
not to worry Informal
There is nothing to worry about; there is no need to be concerned: “But not to worry: it all...falls into place in the book's second half, where the language is plainer” (Hallowell Bowser).
[Middle English werien, worien, to strangle, from Old English wyrgan. See wer-2 in Indo-European Roots.]
Worrying may shorten one's life, but not as quickly as it once did. The ancestor of our word, Old English wyrgan, meant “to strangle.” Its Middle English descendant, worien, kept this sense and developed the new sense “to grasp by the throat with the teeth and lacerate” or “to kill or injure by biting and shaking.” This is the way wolves or dogs might attack sheep, for example. In the 16th century worry began to be used in the sense “to harass, as by rough treatment or attack,” or “to assault verbally,” and in the 17th century the word took on the sense “to bother, distress, or persecute.” It was a small step from this sense to the main modern senses “to cause to feel anxious or distressed” and “to feel troubled or uneasy,” first recorded in the 19th century.
It sounds as though your ego has been assulted. Your ego is important as it gives a person a sense of self. An ego can also be a wall that keeps a person from recognizing the reality of reality.
I know that it doesn't help to recognize that others out there in the cold, cruel world have as much to feel hurt over as your being "dumped" by a person that obviously has the need to suck a person's ego out of their body. In other words, there are people that need to suck dry other's egos. Something like a starfish feeding off of oysters. Even though they cause hurt and pain, they themselves need to be pitied. They are trapped in a vampire like state and will self destruct.
What you have is better then most. What you have is the ability to deal with the negatives and enjoy the positives. There are so many other people in Loveland alone that are trapped in a job with a self destructive boss, that are trapped in a family with an alcoholic, or drug addicted spouse or siblings or children. They are struggling to learn how and what to do. They are being sucked dry and are shells of themselves. You are whole. You are in charge and responsible and capable of sailing your own vessel over the sea. There are no restrictions on you as to what you can do. That is the problem. Sometimes it is easier to have a reason to hate, to resent, to be angry and use that reason to justify your own feelings. In your case, you don't have that life jacket. You know that you can swim. That you can float or do what ever you wish. You just have to pick up your paddle and start paddling.......let your eyes look at the horizon and get on with your work, your life. pops